Cough syrup
by Emilytheinsane
Summary: This story is Maya's reaction to the death of Campbell. Completed.
1. Part 1

**DISCLAIMER: This story will deal have suicidal matters. I don't own Degrassi otherwise Cam wouldn't be dead.**

**LONGER DESCRIPTION:  
**This is a three-part story about Maya dealing with the Cam's suicide. The first part is her reaction. The second part will be her rebelling. The final chapter will be Maya dealing with the consequences of her rebellion. I will update it every 3 days or so.

* * *

For the first few hours I was in shock. People are expecting me to break down and cry. I will not cry over Cam. Not here, not in front of everyone. Everyone is looking at me in different ways. Point at me. Whispering about what Cam did.

I don't know how to react to this. I have never been the girl to have a boyfriend let alone one who kills himself. All I can think about is playing music. They want to hold a vigil for Cam, after only a few hours of being dead. I just want to play the cello; it's the only way I know how to express myself.

The whole day I go through feeling numb, like it didn't even happen. Cam shouldn't be dead. I feel as if Cam is just going to pop out and everything will be okay again and that he'll have hoot with him. I wonder where hoot is.

I see different people react different to the news. Tori and Tristan were sitting on the floor crying. I heard that Dallas freaked out at Allie blaming her and him. There is so much blame. I blame Cam, he should have fought harder. He told me he would try harder, and he didn't.

The whole day my emotions are like ice. I don't feel. I want to be angry, but I can't. I want to be sad, but I only feel numbed. I feel like glass. I am strong for now, but I know I will crack.

People start to upset me, but not Cam. I get so mad at the vigil I can't hold back. I blame Cam. I say that the vigil is stupid. I say he should've fought harder. I didn't want to blame Cam; I don't know where all of that came from.

Katie tells me it wasn't his fault and that he was sick. I hate how she says that _he was sick_. It's not like he had the flu. Cam should have talked to me I argue. I should have talked to him.

All the apologies I've been getting, I want to push everyone away but I can't. I want to forget Cam, but I don't at the same time. I want someone to come in and tell me they got it wrong, that they thought he was dead, that they thought it was Cam, but it wasn't. But it was Cam. Cam is dead.

My first boyfriend is dead. They didn't even let me see him. I want to ask the boy who found him what it looked like, but I don't have the strength. Maybe I don't actually want to know.

I hope he went peacefully, like he drifted off to sleep. I doubt that is how it happened. If Cam was to the point of suicide I'm sure the last thing he wanted was for him to feel it. Zig told me it was his fault. I want to get angry at him, but I tell him it wasn't his fault.

They tell me they found hoot, they didn't tell me where but I presume with Cam. I can imagine him dying with hoot nearby, the last thing he had of me. Cam still had me, I love him. I had just realized I was in love with him the other night, and now he's gone. I won't ever get to tell him that I love him.

I know that Cam loved me. Looking back I can see that he loved me, he was just bad at showing love. I'd like to think that I kept Cam around longer, but I'm not sure. Cam always seemed happy, but looking back at it once in a while he'd look sad when he thought I wasn't looking at him. It was like he was taking off his mask for a moment.

When I get home I finally let myself cry. I told everyone I wouldn't cry, but I lied. I am selfish; I want to yell at Cam for leaving me. It wasn't his fault, he was just sad. I should have helped him. I could have saved him if I tried harder.

Now I am left alone, and Cam is forever gone. He can't take it back. I don't know what Zig told him, but I'm suddenly angry at him. I watch the video Cam sent me over and over again. I read his text, and I realize; Cam wasn't breaking up with me. When he said it was over he meant his life.

After this realization I break down, and I cry so much I'm surprised my room hasn't flooded. If my tears could bring him back I would cry him an ocean. We hadn't kissed a lot, but I know in my heart he was the only boy I'll ever love. _I was the only girl he would ever be with._ I will grow old, eventually marry and have kids, but Cam won't. Cam won't ever have children. Cam won't ever play in the NHL. He will never smile or laugh. Cam will never cry. He won't have to feel the pain that I feel. Cam will always be 15.

I'm not sure if they age in heaven or not. According to the bible suicide is a sin and you are not permitted to the gates of heaven. I can't see a boy like Cam not getting into heaven if heaven exists. You would think God would save Cam. Wherever Cam is, I hope he's happy now. I hope he isn't in pain anymore. I hope that he isn't suffering like I am.

Someone should have saved Cam. Nobody did anything, we were all too afraid. Nobody ever thinks it will get to the point of death. I pull out my cello and play. I play for Cam. I play for hoot. I play for myself. I'm not sure who I play for. I play until my arms hurt. My fingers ache, but I continue to play. I want to just sit here and play forever.

If someone had checked on Cam maybe he would be alive. I should have kept calling him; I should have gone looking for him. My playing starts to get erratic and out of tune. I keep playing, I weep harder and harder. My tears are endless. I don't know if this will get any easier because right now it's really hard.

I start playing my cello to the tune of 100 years. I sing along to it. Cam should have lived to 100 years. I know he could have done it; he was health, just not mentally. Maybe for Cam there wasn't help. He probably held on as long as he could have.

I pick up hoot. He smells like Cam. I hug him tightly. I'm glad hoot spent some time with Cam before he was gone. I want to preserve the smell as long as I can, it is a weird thought. Hoot is the last thing I have of didn't give me hoot, but he gave hoot a new meaning. Cam didn't die alone, he had hoot with him. I smile at that semi-twisted thought. Cam will never be alone again.

I think of Cam's siblings and his family. Cam could have just gone home to them. He didn't have to stay in Toronto and played hockey. I would rather a living faraway Cam than a dead one. I try to imagine what was going through Cam's find and my throat starts to hurt from being upset.

I want to throw myself on the floor. I want to go to the green house and join Cam in death. I don't know what I want. I pick up my cello and start playing again. My fingers are bleeding from gripping the bow too tightly. My blood resembles the color of Cam's hockey jersey.

I alternate between crying and playing. Katie comes into my room and hugs me, and we cry together. She tucks me into my bed like I'm a child, I ask her for hoot but she ignores me and puts hoot in my drawer. My first night without Cam I think to myself.

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I'm sorry for writing so many Cam/Maya stories, I just can't help myself. Reviews are greatly appreciated.


	2. Part 2

I pace back and forth in the alleyway, I've tried to keep it together as long as I could. For the first few weeks I tried going back to the way it was before. Hanging out with Tori and Tristan, pretending to be happy; Cam is dead. How can everyone just be okay with his death? I look at my thighs twenty-three cuts for twenty-three nights without Cam.

Why did Cam have to do this to me? I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to be sad over Cam anymore. I've been invited to a few parties. I was apprehensive before, but I need to do something different.

I'm not going to sit around crying over Cam anymore. I will go out and find some sort of happiness. I heard about these weird parties that the seniors have been going to. I want to ask Tori to come with me, but she'll probably just tell Katie about it.

I don't want Katie telling me on me to mom and dad. I make up a deal with Katie's ex-boyfriend, Jake. As long as I don't tell Katie about the party, Jake won't tell Katie. Easy enough plan. Jake also told me no drugs. I find that to be a little hypocritical.

Some people use drugs to avoid things in life and I feel like I deserve something to get my mind off of Cam. To get my mind off of what Cam did to me; What Cam did to himself.

A few months ago I would have never dreamed of going to some crazy underground party. That was back when Cam was alive, now that Cam is dead it's a whole new ballpark.

With Cam gone I can do whatever I want. I don't have to worry about upsetting Cam because Cam's not here.

If I'm going to this party I need clothing for it. My cute kitten shirts are not going to cut it. I convince Tori to go shopping with me; I tell her I want more mature clothing. I don't tell Tori why, but she agrees anyway. How can a girl resist shopping?

I end up picking out an outfit I feel that Katie should wear. "Ew, grunge, seriously Maya, thought you wanted to look mature not like you're going to kill someone's puppy." Tori might be right; the old Maya would never wear something like this.

The old Maya died when Cam died. Somewhere there is part of me wandering around lost looking for Cam, but I'm done looking. Grunge it is. The outfit is pretty hot. It makes me look older.

"It's perfect, Tori. I don't want to be cute little Maya anymore. Meet the new Maya!" Tori forces a smile towards me. "If it's what you want…plus it does look pretty nice on you."

Well getting Tori to accept the new me might be easier than I thought. Maybe I needed change. If I weren't so boring maybe Cam would be here. I push that thought aside.

I make a new mental rule for myself. No more thinking about Cam. I will no longer cry over the past. I have the future to look forward to. I will find a new boy, someone who isn't sick. Crying over spilt milk won't make the milk un-spill. Crying over Cam won't bring him back either.

I envision myself five years in the future. Once I start to grow I'll get noticed by guys. There is nothing wrong with me. Maybe sooner than five years; heck I could find a guy tonight.

In fact; I make a mental note to not say no to a boy tonight. I don't care how what the boy wants. Saying yes might do me good. I'll make more friends tonight. New friends who don't get all caught up with the tiniest things but when something bad actually happens they're okay with it.

Okay, maybe not exactly the last part. But new friends would be nice. Cool friends, any friends. I'd try to find Katie friends, but I don't know how I'll introduce them without a lot of questions.

Questions, I hate so many questions. Tonight I won't ask any questions. There won't be hesitation. I will be cool Maya. I won't be a little miss goody-two-shoes anymore. Sorry but that Maya is gone for good. She's practically dead. I bit my lips when I think the word dead.

Even thinking about it makes my mind wander back to C…. I won't even think he's name anymore. I'm done with it. I'm done with everything. Lots of people go through changes. Look at Katie; she went from the student council to goth girl over a dropout.

After shopping I double check the invitation that I got, it is so weird. How are people supposed to find the place with this kind of thing? Jake seems to have no problem with finding it. I wonder if Jake came here while he was dating Katie. She would not like this place.

Everyone has paint. This is not what I thought it would be. People in a room painting each other, it's a joke. Where is the loud music and where are the strobe lights? No questions Maya, I remind myself.

I look at my outfit. I am not dressed right for this type of thing. "Not your style of party either?" a boy comes up to me. His hair reminds me of a poodle, but it's better than nothing. "No, you wouldn't happen to know anyone hosting a real party, would you?"

I guess what I said was the right thing because now I'm being dragged out of this place by the guy. I don't even know his name. I don't even care.

We go to a club or something. I don't actually know where we are. The music is so loud I don't have to hear myself thinking.

Someone hands me a drink, I'm not stupid; I know it has alcohol in it. The whole night we dance and grind. It's nice to just rewind and not have to worry about anything.

I don't remember exactly what happened during the night or when it happened, but I wake up in his bed. Or somebodies bed not sure, but poodle-hair is still with me. I don't think I caught his name yet.

"Last night was amazing. Who knew a freshman had that much in her?" Shit. What exactly did I do last night? I can't believe I went through with all of that. I feel pretty good. I could get used to this.

Oh. My. Gosh. Where on earth are my clothes?! I start to freak out and poodle-hair notices. "Calm down, freshman you can't take it back now. You were pretty good." Pretty good…? Did I sleep with poodle-hair?! I start to hyperventilate.

"Stop calling me freshman! I have a name! Omg. I don't even know YOUR name. I lost my virginity to someone and I don't even know their name? What is wrong with me?" I start to speak rapidly and I'm not sure if half the things I say make sense or not.

"Woah, I didn't even notice you were a virgin. That just makes you ten times better than I originally thought." At this point I don't know what to say or do. I'm stuck with this stranger.

I start to gather up my clothing, but he tries to stop me. "Hey, let's not end it like this babe. Come back to bed." I'm disgusted. I want to leave. I don't even bother putting on my shoes.

Why did I do all of that. I wanted to reinvent myself but not as the school slut. I go to pull out my phone to call Katie, but it isn't there.

I don't want to go back inside to get it; I'm not sure what he'll do to me. I walk around looking for a familiar street holding my shoes. I don't even want to know what I look like. Probably some overused prostitute the day after a long night.

A policeman pulls me over. Shit, shit, shit. What do I do now? He is fairly nice, but he wants to talk to my parents. My parents… What am I going to do? I think about running for a second but that will just get me in deeper trouble.

There is no way out from here. When we finally get home the officer tells my parents how he found me and I see in my father's face that I'm done for. My mom tells me to go to my room. I get out of sight and listen in. I can hear my mom explaining to the officer about Cam.

Cam isn't the reason why I did this. Maybe Cam is. This is all Cam's fault actually. I start to get angry again. Angry at Cam, angry at myself for thinking about Cam, I'm just angry.

The officer ends up leaving me off with a warning. I didn't need his pity. It wasn't his fault for all of this. I feel really sick, my mom tells me it's a hangover and puts me to bed. It's not long until I fall asleep hopefully putting this all behind me.

* * *

I am very angry that they just took Cam out of the opening credits; when JT died he was left in the credits. I especially hate how they did it, they could have changed up the scene at least, like everyone walking in sadly or something. Just irks me.


	3. Part 3

All through the night I have nightmares about Cam. I haven't slept in a few days; my mom let me stay home from school after my freak-out with poodle-hair. I have since then learned his name – John.

Today my mom says I have to go back to school because I've been truant for too long. I don't want to go back. Everyone staring at me; knowing that I've hit the wall.

I can't stand to see everyone happy, smiling and laughing. Why do they get to be happy? Why wasn't Cam allowed to be happy too? It's not fair. None of this is fair. I never asked for anything like this to happen.

I lost everything the same day. My boyfriend, my dignity, my audition, it wasn't supposed to be like this. I should have been with Cam, I should be happy. I can't be happy without Cam. I've tried so hard to get over it.

I sigh. It doesn't really matter if I'm over it or not. Cam's dead.

I grab my backpack off the floor. I don't bother changing out of my sweatpants and t-shirt that I slept in. I have dark rings under my eyes and they're puffy from the constant crying I've been doing.

My mom knocks on my bedroom door reminding me that I have to go to school today. I get it, I have to go. I have to see all of their faces, faces that Cam should have to deal with, not me.

When I get to school it seems like every eye is on me. People are blatantly whispering about me like they do in movies. Cam didn't care about me; if he cared he wouldn't have killed himself leaving me to deal with everyone.

I'm the one stuck getting whispered about. "Look there's suicide boy's little whore!" someone shouts. People are snickering. Another one chimes in "No wonder Saunders killed himself, I would too if I were with a girl like that."

It's worse than when it happened. At first people had sympathy, now they are back to their true nature, I don't know what this is about.

I want to find a place to hole up and cry but I don't. I just stand there in the middle of the hall while everyone laughs at me. I hear the speaker turn on. "What's up Degrassi high! We got a special speaker in the house today, give it up for Campbell Saunders!"

Is this a joke? I bit my lips, the speaker is still on and I hear something going on but no talking. _"Good morning, Maya Matlin! I'm sorry I had to leave, early morning hockey practice and I didn't want to wake you, you were drooling so cutely. So last night was pretty much the best night ever. Um, thank you for that. And also, I kidnapped Hoot! If you ever want to see your owl again, meet me on the steps at lunch and we will negotiate for his safe return! Muauahahaha!" _

The room starts to spin. How did they get that video? I was the only one who saw it. People are smiling at me like it was a game. Campbell is dead; he's dead because of people like them. I start to push my way through the crowd but someone grabs onto me. It's John.

"Hey everyone, I'd like to introduce you to Maya. If you ever need a one night stand Maya is your go to girl! She's not that bad in the sack don't worry. Be careful for diseases though, you don't want to catch that serious depression she's got." John is grinning at me.

What did I do? Why did I think all of that was a good idea? I kick John and run out of the building. I run into the greenhouse. I look around; this is the last place Cam took a breath.

"You know what!" I scream "Fuck you, Cam! Fuck you for deserting me! Fuck you for leaving me alone to deal with this shit! Why couldn't you hold on for me? I loved you Cam and now you're gone!" I fall onto the ground in frustration.

Zig walks into the greenhouse and knocks on a pot. He doesn't even look me in the eyes. "Is… Is what they're saying true about you? Did you sleep around?" I look up at him.

I don't know how to answer. I don't want to tell Zig the truth, it was all a mistake. I couldn't hold it together anymore, I didn't want to be Maya anymore, and I wanted to have fun. It wasn't fun. John tried to rape me.

Inside the school he's an instant hero, but he should be locked away. He's a freak. He's a thief. I want my phone back from him.

I don't even bothering answering Zig, I just push past him. I storm up the steps and into the building. Everyone must have gone off to their classes. At lunch, I tell myself. I will get my revenge at lunch.

The next three periods I sit quietly in class plotting my revenge, planning what I will say. I'm getting my phone back and I'll show them all for laughing at me. I will do what Cam didn't. I'm going to stand up for myself. I am not a coward, not like Cam.

I get cold stares from people all throughout the day. People who I thought were my friends or that at least cared about me, even Marisol made faces at me. Who is Marisol to judge?

I start to get cold feet. I don't know how I can face these people. I go into the bathroom and splash my face with water. I look at myself, I'm a hideous mess. I start to weep. I hear someone come into the bathroom.

"Hello, Maya?" I look over at the girl. "We may not talk but a few months ago I met Campbell in here.

He was crying and I talked to him. I didn't know it was that bad. People say things about me. I made some bad decisions but it wasn't anyone's right to judge." I wipe my tears.

Cam went to some strange girl before he went to me. I shouldn't be so judgmental; she's just trying to help. "If you ever need someone to talk to here's my number. I'm Bianca; don't make the same decision as Cam. You have people to live for.

"Look around Bianca, I have no one." Bianca looks to the ground and back to me. "That isn't true." She stutters. But it is true. I have no one. "Just talk to me, I can be your friend." She adds.

I don't need her pity. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I was fine being the unnoticed girl before all of this, now everyone is looking at me.

I am caught like a hamster at a pet store, all the kids watching me and tapping on the glass. I decide not to make a big scene at lunch. The principle caught John anyway, I ask for my phone back. It was confiscated from John when Mr. Simpson caught him.

Mr. Simpson tells me I can go home. I don't want to, but he says that it isn't really an option. Of course, it wasn't. I don't understand why I'm being punished for John. What I do outside of this school is none of my concern.

When I get home my dad is already there. I don't bother telling them anything the principle doesn't. They offer that I could press charges but it wouldn't change anything.

Pressing charges won't make them stop. It won't bring Cam back. It won't save me.

I go through the next few weeks alone. Tori and Tristan started to avoid me again. I heard Tristan say he didn't want to catch whore. Jake Martin stays away and he's the reason I got in this mess.

Even Maya won't sit next to me at lunch, she might be alone at lunch but being with me is worse. I look around me, nobody wants me around. It's been 57 days without Cam. Almost two months. It hasn't gotten any easier.

I start the days praying that they end soon. I start to pray that I will end soon. I wasn't that big on religion. There was never a hand out there helping me. I thought maybe there was a God when I was with Cam, but there isn't. There is nothing in the stars, nobody to come save me.

I just want to be saved. I want to get far away from here. My grades have slipped. I have nothing. I can't even play the cello anymore.

When I get home I go straight to my room. At some point my mother calls me down for dinner. All I do is curl up and cry. I want this suffering to end. I understand why Cam isn't here, even when you have every reason to be upset everyone expects you to be perfect.

I grab my phone and watch the video Cam sent me again. Why didn't I see the signs? He looks so happy in this picture. I want to reach through my phone and grab his perfect face.

It isn't fair. If anyone should be dead it should be me. I feel violently sick and rush to the bathroom. I can't stop myself from throwing up. It's like I'm trying to push out everything inside of me. I wish I could vomit my memories. It would be so easy to just flush my memories away.

After my stomach settles a bit I carefully tiptoe to the kitchen. I look for some Pepto-Bismol, but we don't have any in the fridge. I shift my attention to the medicine cabinet. After Katie started abusing pills my mother put hers in her bedroom bathroom.

I scan through the different allergy medications and cold medicines. There is nothing for a sour stomach. I grab a bottle of cough syrup, Nyquil. It will at least knock me out.

I take a swig of the cough syrup; it feels like I'm drinking thick alcohol. I go up to my room with the cough syrup. I lie down on my bed and pick up a teddy bear that Cam had given me. It smells like him.

I start to get worked up. I don't feel tired at all. I take a big gulp of Nyquil. I try to relax. I grab my iPod and go through my playlist and try to find some calm songs. I find a song I wrote about Cam for Whisper Hug. We never performed the song but we at least recorded a demo.

I smile at the lyrics. Everything I felt for Cam I still feel. It starts to feel like Cam is in the room with me. I take another gulp of the cough syrup. Why isn't it helping me sleep?

I start to feel funny but not tired. I go to take another drink but I'm out. I go downstairs and find more cough syrup, its codeine. I hope this stuff will help me sleep.

I have the urge to sing. I just want to sing to Cam, but he isn't here. I have an idea of how to make it like Cam's here. I grab my phone and play the video that he sent me.

_"Good morning, Maya Matlin! I'm sorry I had to leave, early morning hockey practice and I didn't want to wake you, you were drooling so cutely. So last night was pretty much the best night ever. Um, thank you for that. And also, I kidnapped Hoot! If you ever want to see your owl again, meet me on the steps at lunch and we will negotiate for his safe return! Muauahahaha!" _

I play the video so many times in a row. I yawn. I play the video again, and I start to reply to him like he's with me. "Good morning, Campbell Saunders. It's okay, I know you had to leave. It was the best night ever, thank you too. It was the best night I will ever have Cam. I got hoot back you know, they found him after you killed yourself. They didn't say where. You didn't let hoot see it did you? He's fragile you know. I can't meet you on the steps, you're dead. We can't negotiate now. You left me."

I start to cry again. I pull out a razor blade I had taken from my father's stash. Recently I had cut more than once a day. I look at my thighs and stomach. Angry red slashes all over. Visual bitterness from being left alone on this planet; I won't be left alone anymore.

I drink the rest of the codeine and retrace my cuts. I start to dip deeper into my flesh. "I'm joining you Cam." Don't. I must be going crazy because I swear I heard Cam say don't. "It's your fault!" Please Maya. "There is no more asking for my forgiveness. You didn't hold on when I told you!" This is a mistake. I keep going.

I start to drift off. I cut deeper. I can't even feel it. I want to be with Cam. Everything starts to fade in and out. I don't know what I'm doing. I try to get up and call for Katie but I can't. Everything fades to white. I see Cam walking towards me. He looks sad and happy at the same time.

I am happy and sad at the same time. I hear screams, but they sound far away. I close my eyes and walk away with Cam.

**~Fin~**

* * *

Thank you for reading my story! I wanted to dedicate this little part to say that there are people who will talk to you like Bianca, you may think that they're not the ideal person, but you shouldn't knock someone while the rest are against you. And remember it's okay to ask for help! If you ever feel like you need to talk to someone please visit there are also numbers you can call which are listed below.

**National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) (US)**  
**1-800-448-1833 (CANADA)**  
**1300 651 251 (AUSTRALIA)  
0800 1111 (UK)  
**There are people willing to talk to you and help you.


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